I’m starting to get tired again. I don’t think I’m going to be contributing much to the social media world in 2020. I’ve been a contributor to this Melle Indie Blog, Instagram and YouTube since 2017 and I truly feel like I’m running out of steam. It’s not that I don’t have ideas or cant execute them. I do very well with laying out my ideas and bringing them to life but that is what has been on my mind heavy lately…my real life. I used to love uploading videos and making comedy skits but the love for it is fading away. I have a couple more projects I’m obligated to finish with other people and I’m hoping it sparks the creative side of me that is not motivated.
I think about what if a video did go viral or you made an online sketch show. Would that even make you happy at this point? I have an imbalance going on and I feel like something is missing. Even though I was able to start a lot of ventures in 2017 right in the middle of starting these new things I lost my Dad…so I’m sure that is a big part of me feeling incomplete and that will go on for the rest of my life but what are the other things that are missing as of now?
Is being alone making you feel some type of way? Are you feeling depleted because you are not living the life you outlined in your 20’s? I ask myself these things daily to come up with some type of answer or solution. So far I don’t have any answers. I feel detached from everything and everyone. Yes, I’m here but am I present.. Sadly no.
I feel very grateful I kept this blog up and running. I have a personality that people do not take seriously because I’m always joking and making fun of things. So in written form I can get my thoughts out without people laughing or thinking I’m playing. I was joking with a Lyft driver (who was a guy from who just moved to Atlanta from New Orleans) it was either close to or on Valentine’s Day and he was puzzled why I was single so he kept asking all these questions. He said “Do guys take you seriously” I said “ To be honest…I don’t think so”
Which made my brain spin out of control even more because he was so right! I have never been taken seriously before ever. It’s always “She’s so funny” even when I’m not trying to be comical.
Being (4) years away from 40 is not helping either. It makes me feel crazy about life goals and getting to where I want to be by that age. It also makes me very sad because the part of my life where I could have created life will be coming to an end. Sometimes it feels like failure because I didn’t try hard enough to find a partner to have a family with and then there is relief for dodging the bullet of having children with men who would have never cared for me.
Despite all the things that go wrong in my life I’m still grateful for the opportunity to build a self sufficient life on my own. I was given two hands and two legs that work and the vision to build so that is what I will continue to do. I hope I can look back at this and laugh and say look how everything turned out for the better. But only time will tell. Keep your head up and believe in yourself. Thanks for reading bye.
Here is a Live Stream broadcast from YouTube I actually saved because I wrote this post the same night I got on and went live: